"We promise to do it right the first time, or you will pay us to do it all over again..."
Clause One: You, the contracting party (hereinafter referred to as the "contractee" or "youze") do herby promise to pay the contractor (also known as "us") in a timely manner for all services rendered by the contractor in your behalf.
Clause Two: Timely manner, herin defined is: Paid in full prior to the completion of the project (with standard bonuses for ahead-of-schedule, on-time or late completion). Payments not made in a timely manner shall be subject to a 10% per day prevention of actual damage or bodily harm fee. This includes all previously approved and accepted projects, including any and all cost over-runs not entirely under control of the contractor. In addition, the contractee hereby agrees to pay for our estimate, our time, our expertise, all materials involved in this and any other secondary projects we determine are necessary to the completion of your project, whether or not the specific additional materials or charges directly apply to your particular project.
Clause Three: Payment shall be made in any combination of United States Dollars, Euros, or gold bouillon. Local currencies or bartered materials or individuals may be accepted with prior discussion and our sole approval. We will gladly accept, hold and misuse first born, or other offspring between the ages of 18 and 37 as collateral in security for the total contracted amount plus any additional amounts, if and only if, they are physically able to maintain the tantric release levels we are accustomed to, based upon our sole determination of suitability and stamina.
Clause Four: It is the sole responsibility of the contractee to obtain and/or pay for any necessary approvals, variances, permits, safety materials, medical, dental and optical coverage for all personnel prior to the inception of the project(s). The contractee shall agree to pay for gas, oil, standard usage and basic preventative maintenance of all vehicles and specialty equipment rented, purchased or used in the commission of this project, which will remain in the sole possession of the contractor after completion of the project.
Clause Five: The contractee shall provide for all food, water, ice, wine, beer, margaritas, piña colada's, our personal bartender, personal yogi, deep tissue therapist, staff chef, brush cleaner, musicians, and clean up crew. The contractee will pay for reasonable staff meals for our staff and any guests deemed necessary to the successful completion of the project, for the duration of the project. The contractee will be billed at market rate for any illicit substances deemed necessary by our staff to facilitate the completion of the project.
Clause Six: The contractee shall be honored to contribute a 32% fee to participate in our "Friends and Family Discount Program", if requested or implied.
Clause Seven: Further, any physical discrepancies, errors, omissions, phuque-ups, and/or simple mistakes of language translation between the contractee, the contractor and the locally hired workforce made during this project will be the sole responsibility and/or fault of the contractee.... In layman’s terms, if anything at all goes wrong, it aint our fault. Failure to promptly acknowledge and admit blame will automatically incur a 50% override to the entire indebtedness.
Clause Eight: The contractor does hereby retain the exclusive right to use the results of this project in any future advertising, multi-media or live presentation and to physically show the work to prospective clients and others on a twenty four hour / seven days a week basis without notice or further remuneration. In the furtherance of this clause, it is suggested that the contractee have on hand a suitable quantity of hors d’oeuvres, caviar and quality champagne (with suitably attired staff) for our guests, clients and associates at any off site location(s).
Santa Clause: During the thirty days prior to Christmas, any and all work contracted for or performed will be charged an additional 40% to cover the cost of business and personal "empuestos" or "fees" charged by the local bureaucracy, local constabulary or any ancillary members thereof. In addition, expectations for performance of contracted work should be diminished throughout this period.
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